Present Tense and it’s Side Effects

Watching time pass by is poignantly fun. It’s like watching your weight gain yet you just keep eating that cake because it’s luscious (it’s an issue of self-control too but let’s put that one aside). I feel like Kristen Stewart from New Moon movie. I’m always propped on the couch next to my bedroom window listening to Kodaline and Snow Patrol and 21 Pilots. The seasons change, the suns goes and comes, the moon crumbles like a biscuit but owing to it’s to definite mortality it regains, sometimes it rains like the skies have missed their weeping and sometimes the sunshine is blinding, the trees stay where they are through the storm and through the drought and I am as always snuggled away in the couch next to my bedroom window watching the world go by.

“The best thing about time passing is the privilege of running out of it, of watching the wave of mortality break over me and everyone I know.”

–   Sarah Manguso

The fact that while I spend my time exploring into the minute features of beautiful creatures outside my window and profound significance of ballads is that there are a legion of teenagers of my own age accomplishing the unaccomplishable and creating a mark or a proof of their existence on Earth is beyond excrutiation. It is a bitter-sweet torture that evolves from the core of my heart and it tugs the veins so hard. Like ouch. The situation turns into something of self-guilt. I turn on the TV and Matt Bomer is helping the FBI solve a case. The naked truth stands bare – Matt Bomer is earning at my expense. Yet, I cannot tear my eyes off the television set. Matt Bomer is hawt.

Plus, my friends are paving their way towards the future. But in my case it’s different, Time is reluctantly crusading me towards the future. I have no clue about what I will be doing in future. Probably, fate will take care of it, as always. Anyways, my parents like any other parents think of ‘being clueless’ as a crime. Like death sentence crime. When I was 7 years old I had no idea that I’d be typing away random stuff on my laptop now or a couple of months ago I thought I’d be spending my vacation productively like reading Russian literature and Classics but I’m re-reading the Harry Potter series for the thousandth time. Kismet. Fate and Time will tell.

There is this line in “Car Radio” by 21 Pilots that goes like this – I ponder of something great, My lungs will fill and then deflate. Exactly. A sudden surge of possibilities and fame hits me hard out of the blue that makes me think “What have you been doing all these days staring out the window and staring at the Tell~lie~vision?” Get up. Be up and doing something. A big syringe of motivation liquid is thrust upon my lungs. But the effect doesn’t last long. My lungs will fill and then deflate. Poof. Came out of nowhere and returns to the same. The present has me at a disadvantage – I know the past and am uselessly worried about the future. Past is a good place to visit but a bad place to stay, says the Internet. Future is full of surprises, some are rotten eggs and some are gift wrapped presents pinned by a bow along with a bouquet of roses. But at one point, future becomes present and present becomes past and; You will perish. No matter if you stare out of your windows all your life or if you become someone great coated with fame, you will perish. Does that mean living is a side-effect of dying?

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